Supermarkets - report

I’m not particularly politically astute. I like food. I like to cook. I indulge in recipe books. Because of all this, I shop for food. Therefore I feel I can pass comment on the latest report on Supermarkets published by the Competition Commission.

The report has concluded that it considers supermarkets have done a reasonable job for consumers, although it does have some concerns over areas such as land holdings, treatment of suppliers and dominance of local markets.

Terribly and shamelessly I do not care too much for politics. Or rather I actually do, I just don’t like to make a meal of it all (please excuse the very much intended pun).

The report is wrong. Supermarkets are shit. I could and should end my comment here; but I will not.

If I was to ask how much a tin of beans cost, inevitably the pre-answer response would be “brand or supermarket?” Here lies the first issue: Why do supermarket beans cost less than brand beans? Taste? Quality? I asked my mother, who is an expert in all things frugal and she reliably informed it was due to packaging: “it’s the same product but with a cheaper label”. I trust most things my mother tells me: if I wake up with any kind of pain in my body I know it’s likely due to having “slept on it funny” and I will always remove my outdoor coat when inside so as to “appreciate it when you go outside”. My mother knows what she’s talking about. But I think she may have got it wrong with supermarket own brands. Sorry Mum.

It’s not down to packaging. It’s down to volume sales. Its simple mathematics: sell 100 branded tins of beans at 57 pence or 500 value/basics/etc own brand tins of beans at 26 pence. Obviously much more profit in the high volume selling own brand beans, and in all fairness, probably not too much noticeable difference in taste to your average baked bean eater.

I opened this comment declaring I’m not politically astute, and maybe I should be if I am to open comment on such things, but at this juncture I wish not to get drawn into the politics of slave labour or such. So if I may, I’ll just stick with food. What if we applied the baked bean concept to meat? Just this weekend I could have picked up two chickens on a buy one get one free offer for just £5.00. That’s just £2.50 each. I’m seriously considering keeping chickens here at North Lodge. Sensibly I’ve done my home work, and I’ve learned that I can not buy live, clucking, happy chickens for £2.50 each. But in my local Tesco’s I can: killed, plucked and beautifully packaged complete with cooking instructions. Something ‘aint quite right.

And this is where my problem lies: Supermarkets are setting unrealistically cheap prices for produce through intensive farming which we as consumers are beginning to accept as a standard. Farm shops are NOT expensive. Organic food is NOT expensive. It is realistically priced. Please do not be misled by supermarket pricing. Supermarkets like to promote the fact they are offering organic, ethically produced food but they do it at a price, with the produce confined to the expensive Organic Shelf. Organic food does not have to be an expensive luxury. Visit your local farm shop. Seek out your smaller, local producer. You might actually be surprised how much you get for your money; not only in quality but also in quantity. Even if you do not give a toss about organics or food miles or any of that green shit, just try out your local farm shop anyway; you’ll without doubt get better produce, you might actually just save yourself some money and the best thing is you will put a stop to your local supermarket taking you for a twat.

Trolley Wars

Recently a well know high street supermarket opened its doors about 3 or 4 miles away. When I say ‘doors’, you need to understand that these were not ordinary doors, these were Marks and Spencer Doors. A friend of mine went along on the opening day, even though there are several other supermarkets so much closer to his home. When I pointed this out, he replied “yes, but you get a much better class of person there”

This got me to thinking; It’s no longer about which school little Isabelle attends, what car you have parked on the driveway or the last time you had you your windows replaced or even where you holiday each year. There is a new breed of class status, a new way to not only keep up with, but surpass the Jones’. What counts in today’s modern society is where you shop.
So be very careful of the brand of plastic shopping bag that you leave lying around your house when neighbours drop by, and on no account succumb to shopping online unless you are confident your supermarket of choice is, in shopping terms, the new black; nothing will degrade you more than the obvious arrival of a brightly coloured delivery van from the wrong chain. So where to shop?

Aldi
Right at the bottom of the table really. The supermarket equivalent of the Mark IV Cortina. If you do not know what one of them is then you are probably not shopping at Aldi anyway. But the things is (and sorry to start complicating matters straight away), there is the growing trend these days towards Square is Hip. Just as the Mark IV is now a classic, shopping at Aldi can be seen as cool and trendy. Think Kate Moss in tatty jeans and torn T shirt.

Asda
Used by people who have neither an Aldi nor a Tesco nearby.

Tesco
If Tesco was a car it would be a Skoda. In general terms nothing too much wrong with this really, but remember we are not talking quality or value here; we are talking housing estate cred. The problem with Tesco’s is their logo which is adorned across their bags and delivery vans – it looks cheap.

Sainsbury’s
Sainsbury’s shoppers believe the food sold here is of a higher quality and the fact they have identified this fact and choosing to buy it makes them feel they are slightly more superior and food-knowledgeable to other supermarket patrons. But this is purely only because a certain chef with chirpy-cockney street urchin manner, told them so.

Waitrose
People that shop at Waitrose typically drive large, 5 + year old cars with personalised number plates to conceal the fact how old the vehicle is. Ten years ago they would have holidayed in the Algarve but these days are likely to break out the snaps taken during their recent Tibetan exploration. They prefer to shop at the busiest times for maximum exposure and will dress for the occasion.

Marks & Spencer
Supposedly top of the food-purchasing-chain. It’s the shopping experience which every Waitrose customer longs and aims for. A Marks & Spencer delivery van dropping of at your doorstep just screams middle class dinner parties with not a sausage on stick to be seen. After all this is Marks & Spencer Food.

But that’s the problem, that’s all it is – party food. You can not actually cook anything from Marks & Spencer. You can open it and arrange it nicely on a plate. If you’re really adventurous you can heat it up in the microwave – but just trying going into any branch and actually trying to buy a raw ingredient. When was the last time you heard ‘This isn’t just any uncooked, unprepared, loose onion, this is a Marks & Spencer’s Allium’?

So basically anyone shopping at Marks & Spencer are either holding a dinner party or having a night off from take away. Either way they are incapable of cooking. But still in terms of supermarket cred that rates pretty high.

Farm Shops
This is of course where we all should be aiming to buy at least some of our meat and veg from. I’m a real advocate for supporting local farmer incentives such as farm shops and box schemes. But there is this small but growing irksome type of shop that is appearing which panders towards the Marks & Spencer lot that have be given a River Cottage cookbook for Christmas, who will turn up in their shiny 4×4’s to buy the key ingredients for Hugh’s Nettle Soup.
These are not so much farm shops but supermarkets in wooden huts. Produce is displayed loose inside large wicker baskets instilling this romantic image of farm hands out early each morning harvesting strawberries and other fresh looking fruits. Only the fact that it is December gives the game away.

Still, it doesn’t get any more middle class than this.

I must go now; my charcuterie hamper from The River Cottage has just arrived…